A Buffalo Bills fan’s revelation: What if Tom Brady doesn’t suck?

What if tho?

Dan Almasi, Executive Editor

So, I was watching the Super Bowl last night and had quite a revelation: Tom Brady is pretty good. In fact, I think he might be the best ever.



It’s the first rule of being a Bills fan. It’s a statement that, as a Bills fan, you come to accept as fact. It’s a universal law that requires no supporting data or factual evidence.

But hear me out: He has thrown for a lot of yards. I don’t feel like looking it up, but trust me – it’s quite a few. Touchdowns? Yep, he’s tossed the pigskin into the end zone plenty of times. In fact, from what I hear, all his stats are pretty good (bar rushing – definitely not his thing… or tackling – he looked like a blind dude flailing in the direction of someone that just stole his wallet when Robert Alford blew past him on that pick-six).


*In Mike Ditka voice* You’ve gotta wrap up, bozo! 

Have you seen his unimpressive stable of wide receivers? More like white receivers, amirite? Matt Ryan was out there tossing it up to freak-of-nature Julio Jones, meanwhile Brady works with a group of guys that look more like bar league softball players than NFL-caliber athletes. One of them is a former lax bro who decided to play football only once he realized pro lacrosse players work second jobs as school teachers.

When Brady entered the league, he looked like the guy Sarah forgot in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and ran an unspectacular 5-something second 40. There are many great underdog success stories in the NFL, but Tom had man boobs on draft day. Today, he’s the greatest player in NFL history. Spare me the overdone “this guy escaped poverty and gangs through football” narrative – Tom Brady overcame being average-at-best in every physical aspect in one of the most physical sports.


So what if he wears man Uggs? Those things are made out of Australian kangaroo leather and sheep fur or something. I doubt they’re PETA-approved, but they seem pretty damn comfortable.

Oh, he sits when he pees? Brady is a lady? It’s 2017 – we need to move past the misogynistic insults. Call him a meninist instead – that’d get me heated.

Get this: He has a smoke show model of a wife. On a scale of one to Gisele, she’s a Gisele.


And were you aware that washed up pop-punk band Goldfinger is working on a new tune? It’s very similar to “Wayne Gretzky,” but it’s about – you guessed it – Tom Brady.

*Glances back at photo of Tom Brady wearing Uggs*

Tom Brady… the only man I’d – *clears throat*

And here’s the kicker: After mounting one of the craziest comeback wins in Super Bowl history, this firecracker of a quarterback now has more Super Bowl rings than Jason Pierre-Paul could fit on his right hand.

So, what if Tom Brady doesn’t suck?

What if the reality is that he has spanked the Bills so many times he’s knocked us all into a Tom Brady-hating delusion?

I mean, he does finally have more Super Bowl titles than the Bills have consecutive Super Bowl losses…

Wrong. It doesn’t matter. You’ve already forgotten the first rule of being a Bills fan: Tom Brady sucks.

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Twitter: @Almasi_