Bengals maul Hawks in brutal beat down at Coyer Field

Staff Reports

Bengals mauled the Hartwick Hawks on Saturday at Coyer Field. Eleven bengal tigers escaped the Buffalo Zoo at approximately 11 a.m. Saturday morning and made their way to Buffalo State by 1 p.m. for kickoff.

The Bengals then found themselves in a turf war with Hartwick’s football team on Coyer Field.

Upon the realization that they were be facing actual bengal tigers, approximately half of Hartwick’s team rushed back onto the bus.

The remaining Hartwick players huddled around their team captain, Bobby Johnson, for a pre-game pump up speech.

“Remember what coach always tells us!” Johnson yelled. “It doesn’t matter if they’re bigger than us, faster than us, stronger than us, or are the product of thousands of years of evolution that has made them carnivorous, 500-pound hunting machines; if we play our game, and play it with heart, we can beat anyone!”

Inspired by the speech, Hartwick rushed the field and executed an aggressive, offensive attack on the bengals.

Seven Hartwick players were killed, 14 others were left critical condition.

“They really killed us today,” said Hartwick head coach Vince Ditka. “But we left it all on the field. Robinson left an arm, Flannerty left an ear; we really sacrificed our bodies today.”