Student smoking ‘L’ outside Union scolds friend for saying ‘weed’ via text

Staff Reports

While smoking a blunt outside the quad entrance of the Campbell Student Union, freshman graphic design major Eric Gum scolded freshman liberal arts major Steven Allard on Monday for using the word “weed” in a text message sent to Gum earlier that morning.

Citing fears of domestic spying, Gum informed Allard that such behavior was risky and would not be tolerated.

“I’m not trying to go to jail, bro,” Gum said.

Gum also warned Allard between fat rips that slang words for marijuana were never to be spoken on the phone, explaining that government has “voice recognition and shit. It’s not just texts, they can hear everything you say on the phone.”

“Obama’s worse than Bush on weed, bro,” Gum told Allard, referring to a headline he’d seen on Facebook.

Gum said the headline of the Russia Today article was so compelling, he contemplated clicking the link to read the full first couple paragraphs of the story.

“The part under the headline where you can see most of the first sentence of the article definitely said something about the [National Security Administration,]” Gum said, accidentally spilling ash on his NWA shirt. “So I know something’s definitely up with that.”

Ultimately, Gum decided to continue scrolling past the story, but his enlightenment on the subject of domestic spying and drug enforcement policies didn’t stop there

“The police got GPS and shit too, you can’t turn that shit off,” Gum continued, citing something his dad said. “Look, see if I can blow a smoke ring.”

Gum said domestic spying has had a chilling effect on stoners on college campuses across the country, forcing them to self-censor themselves in private conversations with friends.

“Next time you ask to match on a fatty over the phone, say ‘books’ or ‘video games.’ I’ll know what you mean,” Gum instructed Allard while avoiding eye contact with several passing professors he would be seeing later that day.

Sources from as far as 70 feet away confirmed the flavor of the blunt Allard and Gum were smoking as grape, with one bystander describing the smell as “kinda cough-syrupy.”