On February 12, The Record reported on the water main break that flooded the Campbell Student Union, on SUNY Buffalo State’s campus.

The Union was closed off to students as excavation crews tried to locate the root of the problem. This resulted in food services having to move shop to the Houston Gym, clearing all personnel from the union.

According to Dr. Timothy W. Gordon, Vice President of Student Affairs, a ruptured pipe near the loading dock area was the cause of the incident.

Reporting halted as crews worked tirelessly to fix the rupture, clear the water, and reopen the building to students. All seemed normal as the union reopened to smiling faces of administration welcoming in students.

But new information has surfaced about what actually happened the night of Sunday the 11th, the night prior to the water main break.

Just days ago, as I reported a separate story on the campus of Buffalo State, a man dressed in all black with his hood pulled over his eyes gestured to me from the stairwell in the Classroom Building. He used a voice changer and would not reveal his identity when asked. To protect his identity, he told me to call him Shallow Neck.

“The water main break wasn’t what everyone thinks it was,” Shallow Neck said . “It was all a rouse.”

At that moment two people who appeared to be professors started walking down the staircase and Shallow Neck said that he had to leave immediately but that three more people had information and that I should be outside of Rockwell at midnight.

As I stood outside of Rockwell in the freezing cold, three people emerged from the darkness. They were students who lived on campus and had seen something. They wish to remain anonymous, fearing any repercussions, so to protect their identities student 1 will be credited as Spongebob Squarepants, student 2 will be credited as Patrick Star, and student 3 will be credited as Squidward Tentacles.

Spongebob Squarepants explained that while they were up studying for a test late at night, they saw three figures enter the union. “It was probably around 3 a.m. and I was stressing over this test I had and I just so happened to look out of my window. There usually isn’t anyone chilling near the union that late at night especially in this weather, so I was really surprised to see people out there. But the craziest part was what they were wearing.”

Patrick Star then cut in to affirm what Squarepants was saying. “Yeah, I saw them too, I needed some fresh air so I was walking around campus and I saw two people in weird ass robes walk into the union. I couldn’t really see too well, but they were wearing long black robes with a red logo thing on the back, it was some satanic shit,” said Star. “I got scared and ran back to my dorm, that’s when I saw Squidward and Shallow Neck.”

“I saw something much different,” said Squidward Tentacles. “I was on the fourth floor in our organizations office finishing up some work. I was about to go back to my dorm when I was in the elevator and all of a sudden it stopped. I pressed like every button, but it wouldn’t open, so I forced it open and crawled out. It was stuck about halfway to the first floor so I was able to get into the union safely. I don’t know what was going on but I saw a bunch of people in those satanic robes that Patrick was talking about. They were walking toward the basement with torches and humming this creepy ass song. I was curious so I followed them and looked into the basement. That’s when I saw the crazy shit. There was an enormous pile of money in the middle of this pit and all the people were surrounding it. There was one lady on a podium with this giant ass book and she was chanting. The only words I could catch were ‘Appease, Great Lord Nebiros, and Student Tuition’. As she was chanting, each person dropped their torches into the pit and then cut their hands and bled into the pit. I tried to take out my phone from my pocket to record it when my bracelet fell off and fell down the stairs. I thought I was dead, that’s when Shallow Neck grabbed my arm and pulled me away. That’s everything I saw.”

It is clear that these students and Shallow Neck have uncovered something major happening in the bowels of Buffalo State.

I met with Shallow Neck again in an unspecified location on campus where he told me even more.

Shallow Neck explained that he is a current professor that will be leaving soon. He said that administration and the college is planning to raise tuition prices. “They will say that it’s for renovations for the union after the water main break, but they are lying. There was never a water main break. They fabricated it to hide what they are truly doing.”

“They take all of your tuition money and burn it, they sacrifice it in the name of Nebiros and I couldn’t be a part of it anymore,” said Shallow Neck. “The most tenured of the administration all the way up to the top make up a satanic cult that worships the demon Nebiros, who granted us power of unknown origin.”

“I have to share this information to clear my conscious of what I’ve done. And I don’t know what it is, but they have something big planned coming soon. It has to be stopped before it happens,” said Shallow Neck. “The fire that happened at the science building wasn’t an accident, they are building something that could rock the entire campus.”

With the information gained from Shallow Neck and the three brave students, we now know that higher ups in administration are cult leaders that have taken over the campus without the knowledge of students. These cult leaders must be stopped before their ultimate plan is set in motion.

“We have to stop them or literally all hell could break loose,” said Spongebob Squarepants.

If you have any information contact @DownWithNebiros on twitter and watch out for updates to come.

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The news isn’t fake… but today it is. This story is a part of our annual April Fool’s coverage, The Wreckard. It’s not true. It’s not factual. It’s all in good fun.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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