Vengeful students disrupt professors plans for early spring break by paying attention

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Vengeful students disrupt professors plans for early spring break by paying attention

Rachel Doktor/ The Record

Rachel Doktor/ The Record

Rachel Doktor/ The Record

Edwin J. Viera, Opinion Editor

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Last week, in an astonishing twist, students of SUNY Buffalo State were found alert and awake during their Thursday and Friday classes. Usually, those two days are regarded as the “turn-up” before leaving for Spring Break, faculty and staff were amazed by how many students were attending class.

Economics Professor, Doctor Ann V. Gyna, was surprised by just how agile her students were.

“I walked into a full classroom and all the students were ready to learn. This is surprising, especially since we were talking about the micro and macroeconomics of third world nation states. Honestly, once the last student fell asleep I was going to get a manicure at the nail salon on Elmwood.”

Many professors were disheartened by the fact their students were awake, as they planned to leave once they were asleep from purposefully dull lectures. Dr. Emmett Kilpatient, a Health & Wellness professor, had plans to fly on a mid-afternoon flight to Hawaii to celebrate his 30th wedding anniversary with his wife, Carolyn.

“Students are usually asleep by the time I walk in. Not that it’s a boring class but I made sure that in our last session they knew we would be learning about how to properly write a prescription with a manual typewriter. I mean, come on. That’s something no one is going to need to know anymore.”

But sure enough, Kilpatient’s lecture class of 45 went up to the manual typewriter, he brought from home and typed their labels. His wife Carolyn, has since made him sleep on their couch for not using her idea of a boring lecture, how to properly wear a stethoscope.

When asked about this strange behavior, students comments remained the same, “It’s payback for all the weekends they have ruined for us!” Students from multiple departments rallied together to make sure they studied not just for midterms but to make sure they were prepared to ruin any chance some professors had of leaving campus early.

Suddenly, during the last ten minutes of class, professors found themselves inundated with questions from students who were normally silent. Theatre major Diane Hall said, “Sure, I can be mousy in class, but I was more than ready to make my Script Analysis professor pay for making me miss a slamin’ party after assigning us too much homework. I mean who has time to read Les Misérables in one weekend.”

President Conway-Turner, who was attempting to leave early for the break herself, was walking out of her office, when the phones began ringing off the hook. Staffers from all over Cleveland Hall were rushed to her office to deal with irate professors screaming to her about their students were in class.

Comments varied, some made were, “What am I supposed to do now!”, “I came to teach here because the students are underachievers and won’t be here these two days”, and the coup-de-grace came from Humanities professor, Anita Dick, who screamed, “Because of these students, I missed my flight to Cancun. Now I can’t get my back rubbed by the resort’s debonair masseuse, Sven St. Cloud.”

However, as some students thought they had the last laugh, professors have been seen slyly wringing their hands, saying, “Don’t worry, they won’t get it so easy during finals week.”

 

 

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The news isn’t fake…but today it is. This story is a part of our annual April Fool’s coverage, The Wreckard. It’s not true. It’s not factual. It’s all in good fun.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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