Buffalo State is taking preventative measures to eradicate the plague of destitute students that reside in Fireside Lounge on the second floor of the Campbell Student Union.

“Good god, it’s like they’re multiplying,” said Dean of Students Charles Kenyon, scanning the area disdainfully, hands on his hips.

“You’re right, I think it’s become a breeding ground,” said Vice President Hal Payne, glancing over in disgust at a lip-locked couple, one hand covering his mouth.

“So, what do we do about it?” asked President Katherine Conway-Turner desperately, shaking her head.

“Did you see what they did over in France?” said Kenyon, referring to the metal cages installed over public benches in order to deter the homeless that were criticized as “inhumane” and “hostile.”

“Perfect! And maybe some of those spikes those cheeky bastards over in Britain use for good measure,” added Payne.

“Excellent!” Conway-Turner said. “It feels good to be an educator and humanitarian dedicated to student success.”

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