Aries

Opposites attract today but for Aries, doing the opposite will make you attractive. Instead of swiping left, today swipe right. Don’t worry though, her 57 cats are just an adorable quirk.

Taurus

Your significant other will want to fight today about that thing you did two weeks ago. Just remember to confront this problem head on… years later or never. Your choice will speak volumes.

Gemini

Today is a day for similarities. Plenty of people will want to dress like you and act like you. Don’t let it go to your big head, they all know your whole outfit was on sale at Kohl’s for $10.95, (plus taxes and fees).

Cancer

All the finest shoes in the world will not prepare for today’s fashion disaster. No matter what, your inner style guru will not be satisfied. And remember, when someone addresses you as “Sweat stains”, it’s not always going to be a compliment.

Leo

As Neptune and Pluto’s orbits cross, the Moon will orbit the Earth and the Earth will orbit the sun. As the Earth orbits the sun it will rotate on its axis. As it rotates on its axis one day will go by. Wait… that’s not what I meant. Well, something bad is going to happen to you today, as it does every day.

Virgo

You are notorious for being an over achiever. You always go the extra mile, when giving yourself a task. Today, take it easy. You don’t have to crush that entire pizza you ordered in one sitting. Save some for tomorrow. Remember, that bikini season is looming.

Libra

The scales of justice will tip out of your favor leading to disastrous consequences. Don’t even go outside, just stay under the covers and HIDE!

Scorpio

One day you’ll be just like Dolly Parton, a heart of gold on the inside, plastic on the outside.

Sagittarius

You feel like something is off. People are giving you weird looks. Are you being paranoid? Absolutely not. You’ve had a booger hanging out of your left nostril for several hours, it’s time to dig that sucker out.

Capricorn

Today…you smell very badly.

Aquarius

You are searching for something new and exciting. It’s coming your way. Netflix finally put up the new season of Law and Order SVU, your welcome.

Pisces

That thing that you’ve been holding inside you all day…That thing you feel like you cannot contain any longer, do not let it out just yet. I warn you, it is more than just a fart.

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The news isn’t fake… but today it is. This story is a part of our annual April Fool’s coverage, The Wreckard. It’s not true. It’s not factual. It’s all in good fun.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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