The First Hour
Ok. Breath. Open your eyes. Take the blanket off. I wake up and take out my retainer and feel the excess saliva fall to my chin as I put it in its holder. I sit up and feel the bed move. I twinkle my toes in my soft throw blanket wishing I could go back under it. Finally, I step off the bed, but my feet get a sudden pulse to them as if they were asleep too. I stretch as I walk to the bathroom. I push open the door and it squeaks. I take a mental reminder I need to fix that. My eyes stay closed when I go to the bathroom. I just hear my pee in the background. My dog comes to visit me of course while I’m peeing. She rubs against my leg to say hi. I get up and feel my pants slide back up my leg. I turn on the water to wash my hands. I use cold water to wake me. I don’t dry my hands. I use my wet clean hands to clean my eyes. I then brush my semi wet hair from the shower the night before. I smell the moisture shampoo in the scent of vanilla that I put into my hair. I turn on my straightener and the light glows in the dark. I then remember to turn the light on. I walk over to the light holding the brush in my hair. I pull out my clip and decide I don’t feel like straightening my hair. I turn it off, so I don’t forget. I then grab the clothes I picked out the night before. I first put on my underwear. Then my bra. Looking into the mirror, “I hate my body”. My hands are still numb, so the bra is difficult to put on. Then I grab my pants. I step into the left leg first, then the right. I bring it up slowly because I’m tired. My shirt seems so far away as I reach for it. I finally put it on and then sit on my computer chair and contemplate what shoes I wear that day. My socks annoy my toes as I walk in my sneakers. I then look in the mirror and see a tired dressed person who needs to brush her teeth. It’s 7:00am, I have to go. I look into the mirror one last time before I go, “I’ll look pretty tomorrow I guess.”
Breath. Is what I am wearing ok? No, I have to change. No I can’t I will be late. Just leave the house, stop thinking so much. You are not smiling Natalie. Wait did I brush my teeth? Whatever I have to go, breath.
Put the car in reverse. Did I turn my straightener off? Look behind you. Did I even brush my hair? This person next to me is staring at me. Something must be on my face. I am hungry. I forgot to eat. Focus on the road. Two hands on the wheel, stop light. Did I stop too quickly? People probably make fun of my driving. Almost there make a right go straight. I need my nails done. Do I work today? What color should my nails be? I am here, I’m not late. Smile. Breath. Time for school. Ok lock your door. Am I walking weird? I need a belt. I should have worn a jacket. So my nails can be red. What time is it? 7:15. Ok. Oh, look it’s Ashley. She looks busy I’m not going to bother her. Does she even like me? I feel like I annoy her. I have no friends. Ugh. I’m tired. Why is my heart beating? Is the test today? Smile. Breath. Am I going to the right class? Left foot in front of the right foot. My feet gallup their way across the broken pavement but yet it feels like I’m going nowhere. Why is she staring at me? It’s my hair. Fix your hair Natalie. Wait am I going the right way? So I think my nails should be maroon not red. Red is too much I’ll be embarrassed. Ok you’re sitting; take out your book and focus. What day is it today? Do I smell? I hope not. What is for dinner? Ok. Focus Natalie, time for the day to start. Smile. Breath
I’m crying. The tears are heavy and wet. They dry up. It feels as if I have a face mask on. If I smile it cracks, my emotions crack. Why is this getting the best of me? This isn’t me. Why am I crying? I lay down saturating my pillow with tears filled with confusion and regret. Who even am I? I can’t stop thinking. My mind has opened a door to a reality I was not ready to endow into yet. My heart is racing. I feel my heart hit my chest as it rises and falls. I need to sleep. Did I forget to do my homework? No stop go to bed. I feel my toes curl into my soft blanket. I’m so tired. Please fall asleep. I need to pee. Ugh. Fine I’ll go on my phone. Geez that’s bright. My eyes burn from the phone illuminating my retinas. Let’s go on Instagram. Same people. My profile. I’ll delete that photo from 5 years ago I look ugly. I hate my eyebrows. That reminds me I need to get my eyebrows done. Why did I wear that? It doesn’t matter Natalie go to bed. Ok put the phone down. Plug it in. I feel the vibration it makes when my phone notifies me it is charging. Ding. Ugh who texted me. No don’t look go to bed. No what if it’s important. Okay I’ll look. MOM “Hey miss you, have a goodnight” ok well that was nice. I put my phone down pull my blue soft blanket to my cold shoulders and close my eyes. Time to go to bed. I take a breath and begin to rest.